{"id":6921,"date":"2024-11-23T12:55:16","date_gmt":"2024-11-23T12:55:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mpelembe.net\/?p=6921"},"modified":"2024-12-07T19:42:56","modified_gmt":"2024-12-07T19:42:56","slug":"parents-lie-to-children-all-the-time-but-they-should-think-twice-about-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mpelembe.net\/index.php\/parents-lie-to-children-all-the-time-but-they-should-think-twice-about-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents lie to children all the time \u2013 but they should think twice about\u00a0it"},"content":{"rendered":"

Rebecca Brown<\/a>, University of Oxford<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Parents frequently lie to their children. \u201cNo, you can\u2019t have any chocolate \u2013 it\u2019s all gone,\u201d when there\u2019s a jumbo bar of Dairy Milk in the cupboard. \u201cNo, you can\u2019t have my phone to watch YouTube \u2013 the battery\u2019s flat,\u201d when it\u2019s at a solid 65%.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Lies like these make parents\u2019 lives easier, particularly so when the children are small. Lying might also be thought to be in kids\u2019 own interests. For instance, young children get told that eating carrots<\/a> will help them to see in the dark. <\/p>\n

Leveraging the promise of superpowers might help children develop habits that will serve them well in the longer term. Similarly, lies might be told to protect children from what might be distressing truths. Communicating about death or serious illness with young people can be challenging, and it may be tempting to distort reality in order to avoid upsetting them.<\/p>\n

But before lying becomes a habit, it\u2019s worth dwelling upon the reasons for doing so \u2013 and considering whether a different approach would be better. <\/p>\n

Types of lie<\/h2>\n

Roughly, people lie when they say things they believe to be false with the intention of deceiving others. <\/p>\n

Philosophers have discussed various definitions of lying in order to develop a definition that captures all and only those cases which we think really are instances of lying. For example, we want our definition of lying to exclude jokes or metaphors or some cases of exaggeration (\u201cit\u2019s raining cats and dogs\u201d, \u201cI\u2019m so hungry I could eat a horse!\u201d). <\/p>\n

Lying can be well meaning, such as white lies and noble lies<\/a>. White lies are small lies told to protect social relations \u2013 for instance, to avoid upsetting or offending someone (\u201cthat jacket really suits you\u201d). Noble lies serve some greater good, such as maintaining political harmony (\u201cWe have nothing to fear but fear itself\u201d).<\/p>\n

There are also some edge cases, which don\u2019t quite meet the definition of lying given above. Altruistic \u201clies\u201d are told to get someone to believe the truth \u2013 if you know someone will disbelieve you, then you might say something strictly false, but with the intention of getting them to believe the truth. <\/p>\n

For example, Ben always confuses cinnamon with nutmeg. He loves cinnamon and hates nutmeg but believes, incorrectly, that he loves nutmeg and hates cinnamon. Sally knows Ben\u2019s preferences and also that he reliably mistakes cinnamon for nutmeg. She offers Ben a cinnamon bun and tells him \u201cyou\u2019ll love it \u2013 it\u2019s full of nutmeg\u201d. In cases such as these, there is no intention to deceive.<\/p>\n

Alternatively, someone might intend to deceive without making a false statement: lies by omission involve misleading someone by leaving out relevant information. It is also possible to deceive by telling the truth \u2013 for example, responding \u201cI prefer brie\u201d when asked \u201cdid you eat the bit of Stilton I was saving?\u201d. This is known as paltering<\/a>.<\/p>\n

But the lies that parents often tell children aren\u2019t these \u201csort-of\u201d lies. <\/p>\n

Why shouldn\u2019t we lie to children?<\/h2>\n

Clearly, adults sometimes lie to other adults. Some philosophers, such as Immanuel Kant<\/a>, think that lying is never justified, even if the consequences of telling the truth could be disastrous. But we don\u2019t have to take such an extreme position to think that the ways and frequency with which people lie to children are troubling. <\/p>\n

\n \"Little
\n Sometimes a lie is a quick way to avoid a meltdown.<\/span>
\n MIA Studio\/Shutterstock<\/a><\/span>
\n <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

People don\u2019t just lie to children when the implications of telling the truth would be very severe. People often lie to children for trivial reasons \u2013 to avoid the effort of explaining the truth, to avoid another meltdown, to speed up some process or gain compliance. <\/p>\n

And the lies aren\u2019t always that small. Children might be told the police will come and arrest them if they don\u2019t obey their parents\u2019 demands. Small children are not well placed to judge the plausibility of these claims and can\u2019t be expected to recognise their absurdity.<\/p>\n

So what, if anything, is wrong with lying to children like this? I think there are a few reasons why lying to children is not trivial.<\/p>\n

Trust:<\/strong> One problem is the risk of being found out, and the subsequent loss of trust. It seems important that children can trust adults, particularly their parents. Lying to children jeopardises that trust and may be associated with other negative outcomes<\/a>, such as higher levels of psychosocial maladjustment later in life.<\/p>\n

Child development:<\/strong> Some of the lies that get told to avoid distress or confrontation might appear kind, but they serve to bypass the need for children to exert self-control or prevent them from developing an understanding of the world. Meltdowns and confrontation are unpleasant but unavoidable with children, and they must learn to manage emotions like frustration and injustice.<\/p>\n

Respect:<\/strong> It\u2019s important to remember that children are people too. We don\u2019t casually lie to other adults partly because it\u2019s disrespectful to act as if the accuracy of their beliefs is unimportant. We should have the same approach to children.<\/p>\n

Reflecting on our reasons:<\/strong> By committing to tell the truth we force ourselves to reflect upon our behaviour. For instance, what is the real reason your toddler isn\u2019t allowed to watch cartoons right now, or you won\u2019t take them to the playground? Parents have an incredible degree of power over their children, and it should be deployed responsibly. Telling the truth can encourage us to think about why we\u2019re controlling our children in particular ways and whether or not it\u2019s justified.<\/p>\n

Parenting can be exhausting, and lying is the easy option. But treating children with respect and supporting them to develop and mature requires holding ourselves to higher standards of truthfulness. So think about why you won\u2019t hand over the bar of chocolate to your three year old, and consider giving that as the reason next time the request comes.\"The<\/p>\n

Rebecca Brown<\/a>, Senior Research Fellow at the Uehiro Oxford Institute, University of Oxford<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

This article is republished from The Conversation<\/a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rebecca Brown, University of Oxford Parents frequently lie to their children. \u201cNo, you can\u2019t have any chocolate \u2013 it\u2019s all gone,\u201d when there\u2019s aRead More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6922,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"googlesitekit_rrm_CAowu7GVCw:productID":"","_crdt_document":"","activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","activitypub_max_image_attachments":3,"activitypub_interaction_policy_quote":"anyone","activitypub_status":"federate","footnotes":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[1675,722,1191,13490,10500,5906,13492,13491,726,13488],"class_list":["post-6921","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","tag-ben","tag-creative-commons","tag-deception","tag-immanuel-kant","tag-lie","tag-lying","tag-rebecca-brown","tag-sally","tag-shutterstock","tag-truth-default-theory"],"featured_image_src":"https:\/\/mpelembe.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/11\/file-20241114-17-wzqs49-1024x683.jpg","blog_images":{"medium":"https:\/\/mpelembe.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/11\/file-20241114-17-wzqs49-300x200.jpg","large":"https:\/\/mpelembe.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/11\/file-20241114-17-wzqs49-1024x683.jpg"},"ams_acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nParents lie to children all the time \u2013 but they should think twice about\u00a0it - 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